How to Help a Family With a Child in a Meltdown

 Years ago, I spent time writing deep into the night to share my feelings about the journey we faced with autism. For those who know us now, you wouldn't expect that there have been times where I sat in Target, Seraphina cradled in my arms as she flailed about having a meltdown because of a jar falling off a shelf or some other oddity I couldn't make sense of. 

One particular time I was in the bread aisle, and something startled her. Within seconds, her body began to shiver, and her head flipped back hitting the plastic on the cart, she writhed as if she was in significant pain. Her little purple coat went flying, she shimmied down and found herself out of her seatbelt and on the floor. Within seconds, I met her there, bringing her in as her arms and legs flailed. She clawed at my face and pulled my hair. Nothing could calm her. Some of my other kids were with me and by this time knew we had to let her meltdown happened for her body to come back to regulation. As this went on, I felt sweat beginning to drip down my back and when I had the chance to look up, I saw an older woman standing there. She stared at us from the edge of the aisle and made a comment she was going to get an employee to get us out of there. 

Within a few moments, the employee arrived in the aisle to the commotion. While the irate woman made a case for why children "like these" should not be allowed in public, the employee bent down on one knee and asked me if I was okay. Tears streaming, I looked up and said not now, but I would be. The kindness she extended still is not forgotten today.

I know how hard it can be to approach a family, and how hard it can be to look away and how it can even make someone uncomfortable. After that Target event, I wrote a piece about how you might be able to help a family who is supporting a child in a meltdown. It was published first on "The Mighty" but thought it was a good share for Autism Acceptance Month.

We have all been there. We enter a store and see or hear a sometimes not-so-small child lashing out. It can be verbal. It can be continuous screams, and instantly those of us with soft hearts are drawn to do something. I have always been that way, but since having our sweet Serrie, I am even more aware that the struggle can be real.

Twice in the last month, my sweet girl has been overwhelmed on outings to stores. One thing I loved as a parent was taking my kiddos to Target, talking as we whizzed up and down aisles exploring all the sights, sounds and smells. Since Seraphina’s diagnosis, those trips come with trepidation.

Friends have begun to open up with questions for me, and I welcome them. I will say, this is a bird’s eye view, from one bird. I am one person sharing our journey. It by no means will cover all children on the spectrum but may give you some insight on how to help others when you see them struggling while out and about.

1. Assess the situation. Is this a meltdown or is this a tantrum? Typically tantrums end by early school age, and though they may appear once in a while the frequency is lessened as kiddos develop. If a child seems like they are older, this may be a meltdown they cannot control.

2. Have compassion. Put yourself in the shoes of the parent or the child. These children, though seeming out of control, know what is going on and not only are they struggling, they too often feel emotional or physical pain, so before judgment, have compassion.

3. If you know the person, offer help. I am an open book. I will share. If you see me with Seraphina, and she is melting, often I will embrace her with firm arms. I will try to control her body and often will console her, much like a parent of a newborn trying to calm their little nervous system overrun by external factors. I will also always tell her, “I am here, I won’t leave you, we will get through this together.” I say the same thing over and over so eventually one day she may know I understand, I am here and I promise to give her all of me until she is once again calm.

4. If you don’t know the person, take a deep breath, smile and be kind. You will know if you can help usually by body language. If you can help, offer to help with siblings. In these moments, my biggest concern is her, so I need help with siblings. You can distract them by calmly talking to them, asking about their day, trying to get them to know they are just as important as the child in need.

5. Don’t stare. A few weeks ago at Target, Seraphina had a meltdown. It was intense. I sat on the seat of the big cart and tried to cradle her. I watched as an older lady walked by glaring, for 40 minutes. I am certain she had other stuff to do. I am also fairly certain she was judging. I need no judgment during those moments. I need compassion and understanding. If you choose not to understand, that is OK too — just don’t make me feel worse than I already do.

Meltdowns are uncomfortable. Period. There is no denying it, but with the numbers of kiddos being diagnosed on the spectrum, meltdowns in public are going to be more common. Remember, compassion, kindness and concern will go a long way as we watch our world change to include these kids who just need a little extra love.